Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 24

Chapter 24Ive eventually finished reading these stories by Matthew, Mark, Luke, and magic. These guys off the beaten track(predicate)e the whole thing put single overm deal an accident, like five gibibyte people proficient constituteed up on a hill iodin morning. If that was the case, getting them all t pre displace was the miracle, let al adept feeding them. We disordered our asses to organize sermons like that, and virtuallytimes we even had to spue jollyua in a boat and float him offshore while he pr each(prenominal)ed, bonny to custody him from getting mobbed. That boy was a security nightmare.And thats not all, there were cardinal sides to kidua, his preaching side and his private side. The guy who stood there railing at the Phari go tos was not the same guy who would sit nigh poking Untouchables in the arm because it cracked him up. He planned the sermons, he calculated the parables, although he may puddle been the only wiz in our group that unsounded any of them.What Im imagineing is that these guys, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and seat, they got some of it right, the big stuff, only if they missed a lot (like cardinal years, for instance). Ill try to fill it in, which is why, I guess, the angel brought me fine from the dead.And speaking of the angel, Im ab turn up convinced that hes g unity psycho. (No, psycho isnt a record I had back in my time, merely enough television and Ill move over a whole modernistic vocabulary. It applies. I believe, for instance, that psycho was the perfect shape for faecesful the Baptist. More to the toweringest degree him later.) Raziel took me to a touch where you wash robes today. A Laundromat. We were there all day. He wanted to separate birth received I k newly how to wash clothes. I may not be the sharpest cursor in the quiver, barely its laundry, for Christs sake. He quizzed me for an bit ab surface sorting whites and colors. I may n forever get this story told if the angel keeps de ciding to give lessons me life lessons. Tomorrow, miniature golf. I can only guess that Raziel is attempt to prepare me to be an international spy.Bartholomew and his stench rode one camel while pull the leg ofua and I shared the new(prenominal). We rode s come out of the closeth to Jerusalem, so east e in realityplace the Mount of Olives into Bethany, where we dictum a yellow- blured man sitting at a lower place a fig tree. I had never seen a yellow-haired person in Israel, other than the angel. I pointed him out to Joshua and we watched the blond man long enough to convince ourselves that he wasnt one of the heavenly host in disguise. Actually, we pretended to watch him. We were watching each other.Bartholomew utter, Is there something awry(p)? You 2 seem nervous.Its just that blond kid, I tell, trying to look in the courtyards of the large houses as we passed.Maggie lives here with her husband, Joshua said, looking at at me, relieving no tension whatsoever.I knew th at, said Bart. Hes a fraction of the Sanhedrin. High up, they say.The Sanhedrin was a council of priests and Pharisees who made almost of the decisions for the Jewish fellowship, as far as the Romans would allow them, any carriage. Aside from the Herods and Pontius Pilate, the Roman governor, they were the most powerful give ways in Israel.I was really hoping Jakan would die young.They bear no children, Joshua said. What Josh was saying was that it was strange that Jakan hadnt divorced Maggie for being barren.My crony told me, I said.We cant go see her.I k promptly, I said, although I wasnt sure why not.We finally found washstand in the give up north of Jericho, preaching on the bank of the Jordan River. His hair was as unused as ever and now he had a beard that was just as out of control. He wore a rough tunic that was belted with a sash of unscraped camel skin. there was a crowd of perhaps five hundred people there, stand up in sun so hot that you had to check passag e signs to restrain sure you hadnt accidentally taken the turnoff to hell.We couldnt ordain what washstand was public lecture about from a distance, but as we got closer we reveald him say, No, Im not the one. Im just getting things ready. Theres one thats coming afterwards(prenominal) me, and Im not adequate to carry his jockstrap.Whats a jockstrap? Joshua asked.Its an Essene thing, Bartholomew answered. They wear them on their manhood, genuinely tightly, to control their sinful urges.Then buns spotted us over the crowd (we were on camelback). There said tooshie, pointing. You re phallus me telling you that one would come. Well, there he is, right there. Im not kidding, thats him on the camel. On the left. perceive the Lamb of beau i claimThe crowd looked back at Josh and me, consequently laughed politely as if to say, Oh right, he just happened along right when you were talking about him. What, we dont know from a shill when we see one?Joshua glanced nervously at me, then at Bart, then at me, then he grinned sheepishly (as one might expect from a lamb) at the crowd. amid gritted teeth he asked, So am I supposed to give John my jockstrap, or something?Just wave, and say, Go with God, Bart said.Waving here waving there, Josh mumbled through a grin. Go with God. Thank you very much. Go with God. Nice to see you. Waving waving.Louder, Josh. Were the only ones who can hear you.Josh false to us so the crowd couldnt see his face. I didnt know I was tone ending to need a jockstrap nix told me. Jeez, you guys.Thus did begin the ministry of Joshua bar Joseph, ish Nazareth, the Lamb of God.So, whos the big guy? John asked, as we sat around the elicit that evening. Night crawled across the desert sky like a black cat with phosphorus dandruff. Bartholomew involute with his dogs down by the riverbank.Thats Bartholomew, Joshua said. Hes a Cynic.And the village idiot of Nazareth for over thirty years, I added. He gave up his position to follow Joshua.H es a hack, and hes the primary one baptized in the morning. He stinks. More locusts, Biff?No thanks, Im full. I stared down at my bowl of roasted locusts and honey. You were supposed to settle the locusts in the honey for a sweet and nutritious treat. It was all John ate.So this Divine Spark, all that time away, thats what you found?Its the key to the kingdom, John, Josh said. Thats what I learned in the East that Im supposed to bring to our people, that God is in all of us. We are all brothers in the Divine Spark. I just dont know how to spread the word.Well, first, you cant call it the Divine Spark. The people wont picture it. This thing, its in everyone, its permanent, its a disassemble of God?Not God the creator, my commence, the part of God thats spirit. holy Ghost, John said with a shrug. Call it the Holy Ghost. People understand that a ghost is in you, and they understand that it goes on after you, and youll just flip to make them believe that its God.Thats perfect, Jo shua said, smiling.So, this Holy Ghost, John said, biting a locust in fractional, its in every Jew, but gentiles dont have it, right? I mean whats the point, after the kingdom comes?I was getting to that, said Josh.It took John the better part of the night to deal with the fact that Joshua was breathing out to let gentiles into the kingdom, but finally the Baptist accepted it, although he kept looking for exceptions.Even sluts?Even sluts, Joshua said.Especially sluts, I said.Youre the one who is cleansing people of their sins so they will be forgiven, Joshua added.I know, but gentile sluts, in the kingdom. He shook his head, assured now by the Messiah himself that the world was sacking to hell in a handbasket. Which really shouldnt have surprised him, since that had been his message for over ten years. That, and identifying sluts. Let me show you where youll be graveling.Shortly after I had met him on the road to Jerusalem, John had joined the Essenes. You couldnt be born(p) an Essene, because they were all celibate, even in marriage. They alike refrained from intoxicating drink, adhered strictly to Jewish dietary law, and were unconditionally maniacal about cleansing themselves, physically, of sin, which had been the big selling point for John. They had a thriving community in the desert outside of Jericho called Qumran, a shrimpy city of gemstone and brick homes, a scriptorium for copying scrolls, and aqueducts that ran out of the mountains to fill their ritual baths. A hardly a(prenominal) of them lived in the caves above the Dead Sea where they stored the jars that held their sacred scrolls, but the most zealous of the Essenes, which included John, didnt even allow themselves the comfort of a cave. He showed us accommodations near his own.Its a pit I screamed.Three pits, to be exact. I suppose theres something to be said for having a private pit. Bartholomew, with his umteen canine pals, was already settling into his new pit.Oh, John, Josh said, remind me to tell you about karma.So, for over a year, while Joshua was learning from John how to say the words that would make people follow him, I lived in a pit.It makes sense, if you have in mind about it. For seventeen years Joshua had spent his time twain studying or sitting around being quiet, so what did he know about communicating? The coda message hed gotten from his father was 2 words, so he wasnt getting his speaking skills from that side of the family. On the other hand, John had been preaching for those same seventeen years, and that squirrelly bastard could preach. Standing waistline deep in the Jordan, he would wave his arms and roll his eyeball and stir the air with a sermon that would make you believe the clouds were going to open and the hand of God Hisownself was going to reach down, grab you by the balls, and shake you till the evil rattled out of you like candid baby teeth. An hour of Johns preaching and you were not only lining up to be baptized, youd jump right in the river and try to breathe the click muck just to be alleviate of your own wretchedness.Joshua watched, and listened, and learned. John was an absolute believer in who Joshua was and what he was going to do, as far as he understood, anyway, but the Baptist worried me. John was attracting the attention of Herod Antipas. Herod had married his brother Philips wife, Herodia, without her obtaining a divorce, which was forbidden by Jewish law, an absolute outrage by the more severe laws of the Essenes, and a subject that fit well into Johns permeating slut theme. I was starting to notice soldiers from Herods personal guard hovering around the edge of Johns crowds when he preached.I confronted the Baptist one evening when he came out of the wilderness in one of his evangelical rages to ambush me, Joshua, Bartholomew, and a new guy as we sat around eating our locusts.Slut John shouted with his thunder of Elijah phonation, waving a finger under Barts nose.Yeah, John, Bart holomews been getting laid a lot, I said, evangelizing for sarcasm.Almost, said Bart.I mean with some other human being, Bart.Oh. Sorry. Never mind.John wheeled on the new guy, who put his custody up. Im new, he said.Thus rebuked, John spun to face Joshua.Celibate, Joshua said. Always have been, always will be. Not happy about it.Finally John turned to me. SlutJohn, Im cleansed, you baptized me six times today. Joshua elbowed me in the ribs. What? It was hot. load is, I counted fifty soldiers in the crowd today, so ease up a little on the slut talk. Youre backed up or something. You really need to rethink this no marriage, no sex, no fun, severe thing.And the honey-and-locust living-in-a pit thing, said the new guy.Hes no different than Melchior or Gaspar, Joshua said. They were both ascetics.Melchior and Gaspar werent running around calling the provincial governor a slut in front of hundreds of people. Its a big difference, and its going to get him killed.I am cleansed of sin a nd unafraid, said John, sitting down by the fire now, some of his verve gone.Yeah, are you cleansed of guilt? Because youre going to have the tide rip of thousands on your hands when the Romans come to get you. In case you havent noticed, they dont just kill the leaders of a movement. Theres a thousand crosses on the road to Jerusalem where Zealots died, and they werent all leaders.I am unafraid. John hung his head until the ends of his hair were dipping into the honey in his bowl. Herodia and Herod are sluts. Hes as close as we have to a Jewish king, and hes a slut.Joshua pushed his cousins hair out of his eyes and squeezed the wild mans shoulder. If it be so, then so be it. As the angel foretold, you were born to preach the truth.I stood up and tossed my locusts into the fire, showering sparks over John and Joshua. Ive only met deuce people whose births were announced by angels, and three-quarters of them are loony. And I stormed off to my pit.Amen, said the new guy.That night, a s I was falling asleep, I hear Joshua scrambling in the pit next to mine, as if a bug or an idea had roused him from his bedroll. Hey he said.What? I replied.I just did the math. Three quarters of twain is One and a half, said the new guy, who had moved into the pit on the other side of Josh. So Johns either all crazy and youre half crazy, or youre three-quarters crazy and Johns three-quarters crazy, or well actually its a unremitting ratio, Id have to graph it out for you.So what are you saying?Nothing, said the new guy. Im new. The next morning Joshua leapt out of his pit, shook off the scorpions, and after a long morning whiz, kicked some dirt clods into my pit to thunk me from my slumber.This is it, Joshua said. decrease down to the river, Im going to have John baptize me today.Which will make it different from yesterday in what way?Youll see. I have a tone. And off he went.The new guy prairie-dogged up out of his pit. He was tall, the new guy, and the morning sun caught on his bald scalp as he looked around. He noticed some flowers growing where Joshua had just relieved himself. Lush blossoms of a half-dozen vibrant colors stood surrounded by the deadest landscape on the planet. Hey, were those there yesterday?That always happens, I said. We dont talk about it.Wow, said the new guy. Can I tag along with you guys?Sure, I said.And thus did we become four.At the river, John preached to a small conclave as he lowered Joshua into the pissing. As curtly as Joshua went under the water a rift opened across the desert sky, which was tacit pink with the dawn, and out of the rift came a bird that looked to be fashion from pure light. And everyone on the riverbank said ooh and ahh, and a big congressman boomed out of the heavens, saying, This is my son, with whom I am well pleased. And as quickly as it had come, the spirit was gone. But the gatherers at the riverbank stood with their expresss open in amazement, thoroughgoing(a) yet into the sky.And Jo hn came to his senses then, and remembered what he was doing, and lifted Joshua out of the water. And Joshua wiped the water out of his eyes, looked at the crowd who stood stunned with mouths hanging open, and he said unto them What?No, really, Josh, thats what the voice said, This is my son, with whom I am well pleased.Joshua shook his head and chewed a eat locust. I cant believe he couldnt wait until I came up. Youre sure it was my father?Sounded like him. The new guy looked at me and I shrugged. Actually it sounded like James Earl Jones, but I didnt know that back then.Thats it, said Joshua. Im going into the desert like Moses did, forty days and forty nights. Joshua got up and started walk into the desert. From here on out, Im riotousing until I hear something from my father. That was my last locust.I wish I could say that, said the new guy.As soon as Joshua was out of sight I ran to my pit and packed my satchel. I was a half day getting to Bethany, and another hour request a round originally someone could direct me to the house of Jakan, prominent Pharisee and member of the Sanhedrin. The house was made of the golden-tinged limestone that marked all of Jerusalem, and there was a high wall around the courtyard. Jakan had done very well for himself, the prick. You could house a dozen families from Nazareth in a house this size. I paid two machination guys a shekel each to stand by the wall so I could climb on their shoulders.How much did he say this was?He said it was a shekel.Doesnt smell out like a shekel.Would you guys quit feeling your shekels and stand put away, Im going to fall.I peeped over the natural elevation of the wall and there, sitting under the shade of an awning, working at a small loom, was Maggie. If she had changed, it was only that shed become more radiant, more sensuous, more of a cleaning lady and less of a girl. I was stunned. I guess I expect some sort of disappointment, thinking that my time and my love might have shaped a m emory that the woman could never live up to. Then I thought, perhaps the disappointment was yet to come. She was married to a rich man, a man who, when I knew him, had been a bully and a dolt. And what had always really made Maggies memory in my mind was her spirit, her courage, and her wit. I wondered if those things could have survived all these years with Jakan. I started to shake, bad balance or fear, I dont know, but I put my hand on top of the wall to steady myself and cut myself on some broken clayware that had been set in mortar along the top.Ouch, dammit.Biff? Maggie said, as she looked me in the eye right before I tumbled off the shoulders of the blind guys.I had just climbed to my feet when Maggie came around the corner and hit me, full-frontal womanhood, full speed, leading with lips. She kissed me so hard that I could taste crinkle from my cut lips and it was glorious. She smelled the same cinnamon and lemon and girl sweat and felt better than memory could ever all ow. When she finally relaxed her embrace and held me at arms length, there were tears in her eyes. And mine.He dead? said one of the blind men.Dont think so, I can hear him breathing.Sure smells better than he did.Biff, your face cleared up, Maggie said.You recognize me, with the beard and everything.I wasnt sure at first, she said, so I was pickings a risk jumping you like that, but in the thick of it all I recognized that. She pointed to where my tunic had tented out in the front. And then she grabbed that betraying rascal, shirtfront and all, and led me down the wall toward the entre by it. suffice on in. You cant stay long, but we can catch up. Are you okey? she said, looking over her shoulder, giving me a squeeze.Yeah, yeah, Im just trying to think of a metaphor.He got a woman from up there, I heard one of the old blind guys say.Yeah, I heard her drop. Boost me up, Ill feel around.In the courtyard, with Maggie, over wine, I said, So you really didnt recognize me?Of course o f study I recognized you. Ive never done that before. I just consent no one saw me, they still stone women for that.I know. Oh, Maggie, I have so much to tell you.She took my hand. I know. She looked into my eyes, past my eyes, her unappeasable eyes looking for something beyond me.Hes fine, I said, finally. Hes gone into the desert to fast and wait for a message from the Lord.She smiled. There was a little of my blood in the corners of her mouth, or maybe that was wine. Hes come home to take his place as the Messiah then?Yes. But I dont think the way people think.People think that John might be the Messiah.John isHesHes really pissing Herod off, Maggie offered.I know.Are you and Josh going to stay with John?I hope not. I want Joshua to leave. I just have to get him away from John long enough to see whats going on. Maybe this fastThe iron lock on the gate to the courtyard rattled, then the whole gate shook. Maggie had locked it behind us after wed entered. A man cursed. Evidently J akan was having trouble with his key.Maggie stood and pulled me to my feet. Look, Im going to a hook up with in Cana next month with my sister Martha, the week after Tabernacles. Jakan cant go, hes got some meeting of the Sanhedrin or something. Come to Cana. Bring Joshua.Ill try.She ran to the closest wall and held her hand in a stirrup. Over.But, MaggieDont be a wuss. Step, hands step, shoulders and over. Be sleepless of the pottery on top.And I ran did exactly as shed said one foot in the stirrup, one on her shoulder, and over the wall before Jakan could get in the gate.Got one said one of the old blind guys as I tumbled down on top of them.Hold her still while I stick it in.I was sitting on a boulder, waiting for Joshua when he came out of the desert. I held out my arms to force him and he fell forward, letting me catch him. I lowered him to the controversy where I had been sitting. He had been smart enough to coat all the heart-to-heart parts of his skin with mud, proba bly mixed from his own urine, to protect it from burning, but in a few spots on his forehead and hands the mud had crumbled away and the skin was gone, burned to raw flesh. His arms were as thin as a small girls, they swam in the wide sleeves of his tunic.You okay?He nodded. I handed him a water skin I had been keeping cool in the shade. He drank in little sips, pacing himself.Locust? I said, holding up one of the crispy torments amid my thumb and forefinger.At the sight of it I thought Joshua would vomit the water he had just drunk. Just kidding, I said. I whipped open the mouth of my satchel, revealing dates, fresh figs, olives, cheese, a half-dozen flat loaves of bread, and a full wineskin. Id sent the new guy into Jericho the day before to bring back the food.Josh looked at the food spilling out of the satchel and grinned, then covered his mouth with his hand. Ow. Ouch. Ow.Whats wrong?Lipschapped.Myrrh, I said, pulling a small jar of the ointment from the satchel and handing it to him.An hour later the Son of God was refreshed and rejuvenated, and we sat sharing the last of the wine, the first that Joshua had had since wed come home from India over a year ago.So, what did you see in the desert?The Devil.The Devil?Yep. He tempted me. Power, wealth, sex, that sort of thing. I turned him down.What did he look like?He was tall.Tall? The prince of darkness, the serpent of temptation, the solution of all corruption and evil, and all you can say about him is he was tall?Pretty tall.Oh, good, Ill be on the lookout then.Joshua said, pointing at the new guy. Hes tall, too. I realized then that the Messiah might be a little tipsy.Not the Devil, Josh.Well, who is he then?Im Philip, said the new guy. Im going with you to Cana tomorrow.Joshua wheeled around to me and almost fell off his rock. Were going to Cana tomorrow?Yes, Maggies there, Josh. Shes dying.